Famous People #40: The slime is edible, lime
Kaitlyn: Ashley has been telling us for years that she’s nearing death and that she hasn’t been any fun to be around since 1996. Yet on Saturday she hosted a 28th birthday party for herself and it was the event of the season. Andrew made Jello slime, which he insisted was more “reactive” before its trip to the lush green wonderland of retired indie rockstar Brooklyn. Alix brought Japanese beer and Amelia brought her fantastic daughter Luna. Ashley bought two bags of ice from the gas station across the street and revealed it was the first time she’d held a bag of ice. I was like, didn’t you go to college in Missouri? She looked even better than you can imagine, like Stevie Nicks if Stevie Nicks were getting into Glossier Play.
Lizzie: The first time she’d held a bag of ice?? Now I’ve heard everything.
Ashley’s birthday party was a daytime-to-nighttime thing, meaning it started at 3pm and ended...as soon as I left. Just kidding! Kind of! We made empanadas. At this point I can’t even imagine going to a party that doesn’t have food.
Kaitlyn: Before the party started, Lizzie and Matt hung a shelf on Ashley’s wall. They are making the rounds hanging shelves in every apartment they can get themselves into. Matt had every right to be a little annoyed that Ashley had clearly disposed of the tiny tool IKEA provides you with when the screws are going to be at too awkward an angle to be reached by a drill, but he was not, and loved the challenge. While he worked, I tried to explain Ashley’s birthday gift to her, which was a large candle I paid a Second Avenue magician to carve her name and star sign into, but it didn’t make a ton of sense even to me. Luckily our presence was a present!
Lizzie: Every day Matt wakes me up by saying, “Please Lizzie can I hang a shelf today?” And most of the time I say no! But every now and then, he gets the opportunity to hang a shelf that he’s never hung before, and I think he really appreciates it. Or he doesn’t. Everyone who walked into the party had to stop and look at Matt hanging the shelf, so the apartment got more crowded as the shelf situation got more dire. It was like in Mother! when the sink fell down.
Kaitlyn: My favorite website, which is sponsored by Dollar Shave Club, recently published an explainer about “Meltdown May,” a yearly phenomenon in which most people who spend any amount of time online lose all control of their emotions and say absolutely every noncontiguous, feverishly felt thing that passes through their head, in public and without context. Anyway, Paul explained to me — formally and with some regret — that Ted would be spending his remaining minutes at the party as far away from me as possible, as he simply could not handle the smell of my perfume, which was the same as his ex-girlfriend’s. I worked myself toward apoplexy trying to convey to him the extreme, boring popularity of Glossier perfume, and how I’m sure Ted runs into it 10 to 400,000 times per day, and he’s just going to have to get over it, and how I didn’t even care that Ted had chosen not to spend the rest of the afternoon with his face on my left wrist, but I did think it was pretty ridiculous that these guys don’t even have to know what Glossier is. Happy May!
Lizzie: Glossier is, as they say, a “unicorn” now, and Paul & Ted seem like the kind of pair who would keep track of these things. A majority of the people at this party worked “in media,” so much so that one group even started arguing over which jobs are actually included in the “media” umbrella. No one wishes I were lying more than I do! I felt relieved to no longer be working for my former employer in the media genre, although I miss the people and the snacks.
One of the bleakest thoughts I’ve been having recently is the idea of having a job forever. “You should be so lucky!” you might say, but then I’d get annoyed. Office Space taught me that no one likes their jobs, but Jennifer Aniston and yes, even Ron Livingston don’t really need to work anymore, save for a few Aveeno commercials every now and then. Can anyone get me an Aveeno contract?
Kaitlyn: The highlight of the night for me was when it turned out that Matt and I know all of the same hymns. We sang about Jesus for a little while — the opposite of a meltdown, although I can see how it might have appeared differently to a bystander.
Then Lizzie tried to get me to Google a comedy video Matt made when he was my age and he protested, inviting her to think about something she worked on 10 years ago, and wouldn’t she be embarrassed by it now? Lizzie was like, “First of all, I would have been EIGHT.” She realized her error immediately and flopped over like a pancake someone had tried to prop up on its edge. She’s 18?! We yelled it at her. She could not stand up. Eighteen!! This was the whole joke and it was very funny. Imagine, my American idol and sole reliable source for how to navigate this Big City life has been a teenager the entire time. Imagine, Matt is dating a teenager. We yelled and yelled at her; she just stayed flopped, little pancake body. I laughed so hard I felt like I might be violating my doctor’s orders to avoid contact sports. Happy May!
Lizzie: I’ve always assumed that when my brain inevitably starts deteriorating because of that time I jumped in the Passaic River and because of the bleach I’m always putting on my skull, I’ll do the little thing where I can’t find my keys and I can’t find my dog and I can’t find my husband and it turns out they’re all in the freezer and then... I’ll know. I’ve always thought that freezer keys would be the first sign, but now I think I might’ve been wrong.
Kaitlyn: I think I’ve never felt better than when I overheard Ashley on the phone, for once not talking about her advanced age, but instead just happily ordering exactly two more enormous bottles of shitty table wine delivered from the shop down the street. It was only 9 PM. This is the type of thing that belongs in a commercial for alcohol! We had our whole lives ahead of us. It was the opening sequence of The Hills. Only this time everyone breaks up with Jason and takes the internship in Paris! The Jello I made had the opposite problem to Andrew’s in that it was too reactive — mostly to gravity and temperatures higher than that of a typical refrigerator — and fell apart as soon as we put it out on the table. Nevertheless, Ashley ate some and the gelatin was good for her hair, skin, and nails. May she live longer than anyone else on Earth.
PARTY REVIEW METRICS
Did anyone bring a dog?
Kaitlyn: Absolutely not. Hardly any of the people at the party were clean or glamorous enough to be in Ashley’s immaculate apartment. That’s not even a dig at our friends, Ashley just has a beautiful home.
Did we hear any good secrets?
Kaitlyn: When James finally showed up, he immediately told us a secret. Lizzie asked a follow-up question and he was like “SHHH.” I think he would definitely get mad if I shared the secret in this space.
Lizzie: I’ve already forgotten! Probably due to previously mentioned brain damage. This is why I’m so good at keeping secrets.
Did anyone get engaged?
Kaitlyn: Um, we’re only in the opening sequence of The Hills. We have so much time!
Lizzie: If you come to the first party of the summer to get engaged, you’ve got problems, Bob.
Did anyone get famous?
Kaitlyn: Well, when Paul and Ted left, everyone was all “Did Paul and Ted leave???” This made me stand up and yell something to the effect of “Alright, how the FUCK does everyone at this party know Paul and Ted?” Then a boy I’ve never seen in my life said very politely, “Well, how do you know them?” And I was like, “Oh my GOD,” and sat back down and scowled for 10 minutes and alienated half the porch. I don’t even care that everyone knows Paul and Ted, but I think it’s pretty ridiculous that you can’t lose an eyelash in this town without it landing on someone who has an unexplained collegial connection to every single other person in your life. I’m not sure which one of us is famous, if any. But I smell great!
PARTY SCORE
Kaitlyn:
Lizzie: 10 new summer flavors of Jello slime