Famous People #51: Jake and Lori are never leaving New York — by law!
Kaitlyn: Jake works on the internet, so of course an unruly teenager in Prospect Park yelled “I object!” from the back of his gorgeous wedding. I don’t think he heard it. I am pretty sure I could have called in a bomb threat and it would have been fine. Jake and Lori have been in love for eight years and now they’re married; one of their friends gave a speech about how Jake and Lori went out and bought a third chair for their apartment so she’d have someplace to sit at dinner when she crashed on their couch interminably; one of their friends gave a speech about how Jake and Lori walked the last 13 miles of a marathon with her so she could finish it; almost everyone gave a speech about how Jake and Lori nearly never smooched at all because they were best friends and very afraid to do something that would cause the other any pain.
I’m sorry, but this party review will have zero jokes! Lori had sincerely the most beautiful wedding dress I’ve ever seen and her dad told a story about her growing a 110-pound pumpkin as a child.
Lizzie: Who even knew you could just have your wedding in Prospect Park next to the barbecuing youths? I think the city of New York would let Jake and Lori have their wedding anywhere, and if they wanted to do another one, they could probably have their pick of the landmarks. Wedding at the Stock Exchange! Wedding at the Statue of Liberty! Wedding on the set of Girls! (That one’s for you, Jake.)
It was really very beautiful and intimate, so much so that I felt embarrassed to have spent the earlier part of the day going to the UPS store to mail a pornographic zine to Frank. Jake started his vows by telling a touching story about Lori and physics and I kept thinking, “Oh my god, people really do just stop in their tracks to be quietly amazed by the people they love and then file that image away to later craft into wedding vows capable of bringing down the house.” I shed a few tasteful tears, but I didn’t sob as if auditioning for the theater as I often do at these things.
Kaitlyn: I don’t know if this is a thing anyone actually pays attention to, but it did kind of seem like Lizzie and I were crying the most of everybody during the ceremony, despite being former blogging co-workers of the groom and not, for example, his childhood friends or immediate family members. Was that rude of us? I don’t know! I needed the cry! Almost every sentence of Jake’s vows got me, but especially the part where he promised never to make Lori leave New York. While I understand and “support” my friends who dream of one day relocating to Los Angeles’ jumble of highways or Philadelphia’s “actually pretty cool” poetry event spaces, I think less of them when they talk about it, and I thought very highly of Jake when he announced, in full view of everyone he knows — in the middle of a ceremony that is already technically a death pact — that he plans to sink into the ocean along with the love of his life and the only important city on Earth. (And me, though I doubt I was factored in, just being realistic.)
Lizzie: After the ceremony we went inside and immediately grabbed some beet tarts and headed for the bar. “Can you pour some Aperol into my Corona?” I asked the bartender, slipping him a fiver. Absolutely mortifying. Then the pre-dinner mingling: “Ah, an old friend!” “Everyone looks so nice.” “Lovely dress.” “What’re you doing now?” “Do you like publishing?” “Are you married?” “Oh, what a coincidence!”
Our table featured some former and current bloggers and some of their plus ones. You can quit the biz but the biz won’t quit the wedding tables you get seated at. Some friends and family members of the newlyweds stood up to make toasts and I was amazed at how charming and generous and sober everyone was.
Kaitlyn: For dinner we had the zoodles. Kara had a few watermelon salads the caterers left at the empty seats at our table without explanation, and a couple of glasses of vodka and water which she held with a strong Don Draper grip. Lizzie told her she looked very elegant and Stepford-ian and I tried to make a Revolutionary Road reference which frankly didn’t land because it was an insane thing to say at any time, particularly at a wedding. Half an hour later, the caterers brought over a bunch more zoodles and said, “these are for the photographers.” Kara sat up very tall, Betty Draper spine, and realized something. “I ate their salads,” she whispered, aghast. As far as wedding faux pas go, this one was so mild I wanted to kiss her!
Lizzie: Then the photographers came over to get their zoodles, probably fearing we would eat those too if they didn’t hurry, saying they didn’t want to bother us by sitting with us and then they went to go eat the zoodles outside! In the dark! I really wanted them to sit with us because we had two empty seats, and everyone knows the more people who can contribute to a wedding table conversation, the better.
After the photographers narrowly escaped having to talk to us, everyone silently agreed to abandon our table for the dance floor.
Kaitlyn: The playlist was very alt, and Lizzie and I watched with wonder as a pair of Jake’s elderly relatives danced gamely to “Kill V. Maim,” boogey-ing around smoothly, as if this tune to them was interchangeable with the Beach Boys. I took a 45-second video of Lizzie dancing to “When You Were Young,” which I am intimately familiar with only because it was one of the medium levels on Guitar Hero III. We listened to Waxahatchee during dinner?? “Haha, too sad!” you would think. But ultimately, I think Jake and Lori’s wedding has made Waxahatchee a party band by association. Waxahatchee is Kesha now.
Lizzie: The Strokes too! Last week my spin instructor put on a Strokes song during class, which has never happened before in my life and she didn’t even let us get to the end of the song because it wasn’t Kesha enough. Jake said his mom was worried that no one would dance to their playlist, but clearly she underestimated how much we love songs that remind us of a time when we still had dreams. There was also ska.
Kaitlyn: The second-to-last song was “Born to Run,” and I asked Lizzie “Where’s your air sax?” This was a misstep on my part and I should have known better. She stopped in her tracks and stared into the middle distance, the expression she gets when she’s thinking about getting old. Ashamed of myself, I asked her if she was thinking about Clarence Clemons being dead. She said she was. She crumbled before my eyes, my fault, oh my god. We left without saying goodbye to anyone and found our way back out of the park in the dark while she pulled up the eulogy Bruce Springsteen wrote about Clarence Clemons and read it aloud to me from her phone.
Lizzie: I wish someone could stop me from behaving this way. Maybe...me. Hard to say. Weddings in general always make me think about dying. I mean, people are usually pretty young when they get married and then eventually they’re not. So you can see how my brain gets there.
PARTY REVIEW METRICS:
Did anyone bring a dog?
Kaitlyn: There were some frolicking on the lawn, for sure. Having a wedding in a public park is an amazing idea specifically for this reason, and because you’re inviting dozens of people to traipse into a park in formalwear, giving them the thrill of feeling immediately hotter and more important than everyone else in the park.
Lizzie: It’s true! As I was walking through the park, wandering past cyclists and dog walkers I could tell that everyone was wondering where I was going.
Did we hear any good secrets?
Kaitlyn: This was really not the type of event where people would be gossiping, other than to say like, “I can’t believe I’m here, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen.”
Lizzie: THE SECRET IS TRUE LOVE IS REAL.
Did anyone get engaged?
Kaitlyn: Um, Lori and Jake!! As you may recall, Jake had to get Lori’s engagement ring adjusted and decided to mail it back to Toronto in a regular envelope. This was a disaster, obviously, and a whole story he was telling at one point. But I’m sure it’s small potatoes now!
Lizzie: They kind of got un-engaged, if you think about it.
Did anyone get famous?
Kaitlyn: Grimes! Kara! Us, to the bartender, who said “You guys are fun,” and we thought, “We know,” but we said, “Thank you,” and then Lizzie said to me under her breath, [REDACTED].
Lizzie: I forget what I said.
PARTY SCORE:
Kaitlyn: I don’t know that I believe marriage is right for everyone — it’s right for Jake and Lori! — but I think more people should for sure go ahead and sign a contract saying they have to live in New York for the rest of their lives. You know it’s a good party when the law is involved.
Lizzie: Marriages are now for getting people to stop moving to LA and this one was very successful.