Famous People #65: Summer House S1E5, meltdown city
Kaitlyn: This week on Summer House, it’s Christina’s time to shine—unfortunately for us, and unfortunately for Christina. The title of this episode is “Wine, Whining, and Wieners,” and all three of those nouns refer to some kind of conflict involving New York’s leading not fired freelance entertainment news host and blogger who may or may not have attended Fyre Festival.
We open in a ride-share on the way back from the horrible St. Barth’s party at which Christina accused Lindsay of slander and Carl accused every person in a 100-foot radius of existing solely to irritate him. Ashley takes a boob out in the car, delighting everybody except perhaps the person driving and the person filming, but Lindsay informs Everett that she won’t be flashing anybody as her nipples are only for him. “You’re being a geek,” he replies, which is obviously rude, but he does say it in a soft tone of voice that makes me think he was trying to be affectionate and failed because he’s drunk and because he doesn’t know what very many words mean. At this, Lindsay slaps him in the face. Oh, boy. Everett says, “Fuck you, don’t hit me in the face,” and then dumps his water bottle on her.
Once everyone gets back to the house, we see the rest of the fight unfold from what seems to be a black-and-white security camera mounted in the corner of the kitchen. “Sayo-fucking-nara!” Everett shouts, while Kyle munches on blue corn tortilla chips. “Goodbye Lindsay!” The camera cuts away to Carl—sitting upstairs complaining about everyone, saying he is still sober and still on antibiotics and therefore at wit’s end, and he can’t bear to be here in meltdown city any longer—then it cuts back to Kyle, who is standing in the same spot and eating the same blue corn tortilla chips, but no longer wearing a shirt. Everett has now started screaming at Christina for being a bad friend to Lindsay. I honestly have no idea how this man’s brain works, and I think I would be worse off if I did. Kyle does another amazing impression of Everett, yelling “I’m done with you Lindsay” in Everett’s fake Southern accent—according to LinkedIn, he is from Connecticut—and then pivoting 10 minutes later to screaming “She’s my girlfriend, how fucking dare you?” To be clear, this is in a talking-head testimonial filmed on another day. The real-time Kyle is too drunk to say anything like that, or his own name. Carl and Stephen go out on the town and inform everyone else they are not invited.
In the morning, Everett and Lindsay resolve their dispute with the following productive and introspective exchange:
Everett: You hit me in the face.
Lindsay: You made me sad.
Okay, time for everyone to go on a wine tour together.
The crew arrives at Duck Walk Winery, and Kyle inquires as to why a person would raise ducks, is it for the meat? Yes, it’s for the meat. For a moment, the shadow of the specter of death crosses over his surprisingly fresh- and hydrated-looking face, and his brow furrows as he imagines turning 40 someday, and then older after that. Then he starts drinking!
Christina pulls Lindsay aside into a barn full of large machinery to discuss the fact that Lindsay lied on TV and told everyone Christina was fired when she wasn’t. “Fired, let, go, quit, you leave a job, you leave a job,” Lindsay says. She is a professional publicist. Christina, frustrated, says something along the lines of, remember how I finally acquiesced to letting your interns work in our apartment? Well, guess what, not anymore. She basically sticks out her tongue. Poor Christina, she is usually basically right, but she also makes it very hard to agree with her.
This really sets Lindsay off, no surprise, and she stomps out to the rest of the group demanding that they hold a “renters’ meeting” in some Adirondack chairs. There are only five names on the lease, and technically Christina’s isn’t one of them, so Lindsay is interested in a vote that will lead to Christina being kicked out of the Summer House, even though she obviously already paid just as much for the Summer House as everyone else, assuming the production budget for Summer House doesn’t do that. Everyone is like, wait why is this happening? Nobody is really into it, not because they have a huge interest in sticking up for Christina, but because they resent being pulled away from the rosé and the cheese plates.
Lindsay, with no other options, apologizes to Christina for “having my words incorrect” while talking about Christina’s career, and their conflict is tabled. Luckily, a new conflict arises immediately to take its place: Carl and Stephen are having too much fun with each other, and Lauren is distressed about being “discluded” from the boy’s club. Everybody goes back to the house to continue drinking. Cut to Kyle, calling Amanda. He had a “liquid lunch” today, according to him. Downstairs in the hot tub, Lauren takes her boobs out and remarks that they’re “flamboyant as fuck.” I think she means buoyant but I’m not trying to pick on her!
Then she runs upstairs and into Carl’s bedroom—he is asleep—with her bathing suit still pulled down. She laughs loudly and gestures at her boobs. He ignores her. “My tits are out and you’re asleep?” she asks, and he says, “Yes, seriously.” This is the end of the week, as well as the upper limit of my capacity to feel second-hand embarrassment for another person.
Back in Manhattan, we’re hanging with the boys’ club, Carl and Stephen. Earlier, Carl said he loves going to gay bars because “If you don’t like being hit on, you’re not a human being.” But now that he’s actually at the gay bar he feels the need to announce—though nobody asked—that he will not be ordering a Cosmopolitan because that would send the wrong signal.
Surprisingly, there is actually a touching moment of Carl appearing to listen to and take interest in the experience of someone other than himself, as Stephen recounts to him his six-year saga of dating a closeted member of a “high-profile political family,” long-distance. Seems tough! But also, kind of hard for a reality television program to adequately capture. The editors don’t dwell on it, and we cut to Lindsay and Christina’s apartment. Lindsay’s interns are coming, which she insists Christina tacitly agreed to by accepting her vague apology. It’s really stunning how much she commits to this, playing dumb to the point where her eyes glaze over and her jaw turns to Jell-O. Christina gets pissed and retreats to her bedroom. Whatever, this is all getting boring!!! It’s 2017. You think this is work-from-home drama? Just wait!
(Speaking of the present day: The current website for Lindsay’s PR firm, Hubb House PR, is decorated for no obvious reason with photos of Clint Eastwood, Katy Perry, Gigi Hadid, and a Green Bay Packer I don’t recognize.)
Anyway, back to the beach. It’s a new weekend in the Hamptons and most of the crew is having a bonfire. Carl—no longer on antibiotics—and Jaclyn—remember her? I’m not even feeling that much ill will towards her these days because I’m starting to hate everyone else so much more—are flirting about wieners. Like, hot dogs, but also [wink]. Carl has his hoodie pulled up on top of his baseball cap. Meanwhile, Lauren and Ashley are at dinner with their parents and several of their siblings—the “Wirkus Circus” as they call it. Lauren and her mom are wearing identical black chokers, and her mom is like, “mama needs to meet the boy,” referring to Carl. This is called dramatic irony! Carl and Jaclyn continue to flirt heavily at the bonfire, with Carl insisting that she’s going to sleep in his bed.
On the way home from the beach, Christina cautions him, “You don’t cross a Wirkus lightly……..” Apparently this is as offensive to him as a death threat. Carl turns on her, calls her a professional meddler, and tells her to shut the fuck up. As I said, what a big week for Christina, and in the worst possible way. There is sort of an odd moral relativism in the Summer House that I think Christina will eventually articulate on camera, wherein any kind of reckless or mean behavior is immediately excused as long as the person exhibiting it is totally wasted, but anybody who says something while sober that is just a little bit annoying or not what someone wants to hear is labeled an irredeemable villain and given no chance to defend themselves. It really isn’t fair. But, you know, neither is life! Even in the Summer House, and even on our favorite show Summer House.
KEY FACTS & FIGURES
Is Carl still employed?
Yes—and recovering from his sunburn!
Does Kyle wear a wig?
Sadly, there was just one shot in which we saw a large mullet wig lying on top of Kyle’s bed. He didn’t put it on, but obviously he thought about it. Maybe next week.
Drink of choice?
Rosé all day! Liquid lunch!
Summer Fun levels:
4/10 cheese plates that nobody got to eat