Famous People #68: Summer House S1E8, Commissions are up, interest is down
Lizzie: Bravo really knows how to make things hard on me, like opening this episode late on a Sunday night mid-discussion of whether or not Everett slept in a bed with “four other people.” At least we get some prime cranium function from Everett here. He says the rumor is a “flagrant impossibility” because he actually “wouldn’t fit” in a bed with four other people. It’s a tough point to debate! Lindsay says she’ll always give Everett the benefit of the doubt because she’s known him for 2 1/2 years.
Before we really get going, you should know that this episode manages to stretch across three weekends in its 42-minute run time (the Sunday night, another weekend, and then a Friday night), and that’s because not much really happens. We’re getting down to the dregs here: there are only a few weekends left in Summer House and everyone is getting tired, me included. As evidence, you can take the fact that Christina, Jaclyn, and Stephen all skip this upcoming weekend because of “work events,” even though Summer House is technically a work event too.
After a brief NYC intermission — Kyle’s latest startup venture is a “weight-loss app” about “education and awareness” and Christina is eager to “break a story” like that time she broke the news to her family that her aunt was having twins — we head back to Montauk.
It’s Friday, so Lindsay is wearing a shirt that says “Fridays we be like…squad goals,” which is objectively the best time to wear a shirt that says “Fridays we be like…squad goals.” Lauren is upset with Carl for being “disrespectful” towards her (making out with another girl last weekend) so she’ll have to confront him about it on the porch lounge chairs. Carl has something weird going on in this scene where he’s just smirking the entire time, while Lauren studiously tries to fulfill the terms of her Bravo contract. Carl says, “I’ve sensed it’s a little more intense on your end,” while kind of laughing. Then Carl blames Christina for “meddling” again (I guess telling him “you should never cross a Wirkus” in the car one time?) and they kiss and make up, agreeing that it’s actually all Christina’s fault.
Then it’s Saturday morning already! Everett is hosting a 5K to raise money for mental health services for veterans. The 5K system is somewhat confusing, but there are teams, and each team has to carry around a 20lb. weight and run across rough forest terrain, or whatever kind of terrain there is in Montauk. Carl carries the weight for his team with Kyle and the Wirkuses and claims it definitely weighs more than 20lbs. Then Ashley rolls her ankle and has to go to the hospital, and you can’t help but wonder if a producer planted the rock she tripped on to make something happen. Everett tells us her ankle looks gnarly.
Ashley is on crutches and feeling demanding, which I understand. Then she calls Husband Brad and he says “Are you not having fun?” Talk to Kyle, Brad! Then — and I promise I’m not leaving anything out here — it’s suddenly 4am and Kyle is in his bed alone. It’s the first time he’s slept alone all summer, he tells us.
Sunday they rent a party bus and go to a brewery. Everett says, “Oh yeah, I love party buses.” Jaclyn shows up. Imagine a montage of everyone drinking Mike’s Hard and spinning around on the party bus stripper pole. Carl and Lauren start making out. Everett and Lindsay start making out. Kyle and Jaclyn start making out. Kyle says it’s so late in the summer that he doesn’t have to worry about the consequences of hooking up with his housemates anymore. Kyle does push-ups shirtless.
They all make the horrible choice they sometimes make to head back to the city at 5am Monday morning. Kyle says that once he gets sober he misses Amanda. He doesn’t feel like single Kyle anymore.
Okay Friday again! Two weekends left in the summer! Stephen and Christina are back, the Wirkuses’ friend Alexis is joining us, and Carl tells us commissions are up. Everett and Lindsay even bought Ashley a scooter on account of her damaged ankle. Maybe everything will be okay!
It’s kind of a B v. G night with the girls staying in for dinner and all the boys (plus Lindsay) going out. Carl tells the table that he likes Lauren and is having fun, and then Stephen points out that in 10 weeks, Carl and Lauren have never once hung out in the city together. This is kind of Carl’s thing, we’ll later find out. Then, seemingly because Stephen is talking, Everett decides to direct his inner simmering rage towards him, and goes in on him for starting the “four people in the bed” rumor. Stephen looks like he might barf. Kyle, always charged with the task of smoothing things over, says things must have been “lost in translation,” because what actually happened was Everett slept in a friend’s bed who happened to be a girl. This, obviously, is the first time Lindsay has heard of it. She starts yelling, and Everett, rude little egg that he is, says “shutup” to her about 25 times in a row. It’s hard to watch! Lindsay leaves, saying that she’s gonna go sleep in “a man’s bed with a man.” I don’t want to harp on this scene too much but I do just want to highlight here that Everett was the one who re-surfaced the rumor in the first place. He could’ve avoided it, and Kyle could’ve enjoyed his sea bass in peace.
Back at the house, everyone is yelling at Christina for getting involved in the Carl & Lauren relationship, which I really don’t think she has actually done, at least on camera. But this is the narrative they’re sticking with. Christina points out that whatever she said to Carl isn’t the reason he’s been making out with other girls — it’s because he’s just not that into Lauren. She’s right! Someone is right but unfortunately it’s Christina.
KEY FACTS & FIGURES
Is Carl still employed?
Commissions are up! Carl’s taking dental supplies all the way to the top.
Does Kyle wear a wig?
No.
Drink of choice?
Beers, Mike’s Hard, no Bailey’s.
Summer Fun levels:
Everyday feels like Sunday.